derelict in my duty

boy, have i been. i know it. it’s not that i don’t want to blog. it’s just that i don’t want to.

i hate to be a whiner, but i’m still in tons of pain. and i’m really busy at work, where i’m getting in at 7am and leaving at 3:30pm so i can get a seat on the subway. because i’m still in beaucoup pain, as i mentioned before, and can’t stand up for more than a few minutes at a time.

i really hate living like this. i got an epidural steroid injection last week, which ensures i guess that i can’t play baseball this year but did little to alleviate the pain. the shot was in my lower right back, which is supposed to take down the swelling and irritation of the disc and the scar tissue from the operation, and take pressure off of the nerve which runs down my right leg. so far, not so good. there’s a bit less leg pain, but now i realize that my back really hurts. before, my leg hurt so bad that i didn’t realize how badly my back hurt.

i’m taking advil and tylenol which helps some but not too much. so i sit at work in my really (thank god) great aeron chair and plan my trips to the printer and mailroom and such so as to minimize them. and i don’t do anything after one o’clock if i can help it, because i need to rest up for my 3:30pm departure.

and everyone at work is being wonderful, and kirk is being wonderful, but i am an independent person and hate to be dependent. and everyone is very nice and asks me how i am, and i smile and thank them for asking, but it’s all really just them being polite and they really don’t want to hear the truth, for the most part. they just want to hear, “oh i’m much better today.” which i can’t and don’t say, but i don’t tell them the truth either. i just cheerily say that “i’m hanging in there!” like i’m that fucking cat hanging in there baby, on the tree, on that poster in everyone’s bedroom in the ’70s.

god this is crap. i sound like i’m 80 years old or something. and when everyone asks me constantly how i am, i feel like i’m 80. i try really hard to have a good attitude, but it’s hard. i tried to talk to my mom about it last week, which was a disaster, because all she did was not listen and try to solve my problem and tell me that it was all in my mind and i had to have a positive attitude and other crap like that. i don’t want to wallow, but i’d really like to be able to honestly tell someone besides kirk how i feel, and have them just nod their head and then nod it some more.

my epidural steroid injection doctor is supposed to call back today, and we’ll decide if i’m to get another one. if i could get better without it, i’d prefer that. i hate to be a medicine junkie.

and what scares me is that i’m going to have to move toward acceptance at some point. acceptance that this is what it is. aaaaargh.

so there. that’s what’s on my mind. constantly. i blogged. i’m sure you enjoyed reading it as much as i enjoyed writing it.